ABC makes Geico rich and employs the guy who narrates Harry Potter!
No drama from the ABC upfront -- everything I like (or at least tolerate) gets good ratings, therefore no threats of cancellation.
So here are my thoughts on the new shows, as I continue to bite my nails in anticipation of Thursday’s CW upfront and the fate of Veronica Mars.
New dramas:
Big Shots: Vaughn’s back! That’s right, Michael Vartan has landed a new series. Too bad that series happens to be the slick, one dimensional-sounding story of four friends who … well I’m not actually sure what they do, except that there are secrets and boardrooms and an army of skanks primed to make sure Vartan and co-stars Dylan McDermott, Christopher Titus and Josh Malina take off their shirts on a regular basis. I support shirtless man candy, but there needs to be some substance to balance things out.
Cashmere Mafia: ABC is offering us one form of gender wish fulfillment in Big Shots and the other with this series, about four “ambitious and sexy” women who predictably have complicated personal lives and live in “the city that never sleeps” (New York, I assume.) Sounds a lot like Lipstick Jungle, the Sex in the City rip-off NBC trotted out during Monday’s upfront. I’m equally under whelmed about Cashmere Mafia -- when is someone going to create a series about ambitious and sexy women with glamorous and demanding careers who also wear sweatpants and live in Arkansas or something? Oh right, that would be never.
Dirty Sexy Money: Finally a new ABC series I can get behind. Idealistic lawyer Nick George (played by Peter Krause of Six Feet Under fame) is sucked into the seamy underside of New York when he takes over his suspiciously dead dad’s job as lawyer for the wealthy -- and surely screwed up -- Darling family. If the producers can make Nick likable but not perfect and the Darlings dastardly in a good way and throw in some real intrigue and crisis of conscience this show could be a real winner.
Eli Stone: Another lawyer drama, this time about Eli Stone, a jerk who is compelled to do good after a brain aneurysm convinces him that he’s destined for a higher calling. Among the cast of Eli Stone is Victor Garber, who will forever be worthy of worship for his years as Jack “Spy Daddy” Bristow on Alias. That’s no excuse, however, for saddling up for yet another mediocre-sounding series (you may remember that Garber played a lawyer on the Fox legal drama Justice this season -- or not, since that show tanked months ago.) How about we cancel Eli Stone, and give Garber his own series in which he plays a globe-trotting spy who gets tortured and kicks someone's ass every week?
Private Practice: Shockingly, ABC opted to pick up the “special extended Grey’s Anatomy episode with the possibility of extended shelf life,” as one million additional viewers always trumps tepid reviews and an unevenly plotted “pilot.” I’m sad to see Addison Montgomery leave Seattle, as she’s one of the few likable characters left on Grey’s Anatomy. But I’m hoping Shonda Rhimes and Co. can fix the new show’s issues and build a great series around the fabulous Addison and her fabulous portrayer, Kate Walsh. Some suggestions: don’t copy off old Grey’s plots, make Amy Brenneman and Paul Adelstein’s characters less annoying, don’t immediately hook Addison up with another McLoveInterest and give Chris Lowell something else to do besides take his shirt off (although more of that is fine too.)
Pushing Daisies: If ABC can deliver on the preseason promises made by Dirty Sexy Money, Private Practice, and this series from Men in Black’s Barry Sonnenfeld, the network may have created the best night of new TV ever (Wednesdays.) Daisies is about Ned, an average guy except that he can touch dead things and bring them back to life -- including his deceased childhood sweetheart. Too bad said sweetheart kicks the bucket if Ned touches her ever again. To top it off Ned also solves mysteries, regenerates his own fruit and is encouraged by the dead chick to do something good for society. Kind of like Angel without the whole vampire thing -- plus the cast includes the guy who reads the Harry Potter audio books. Awesome right?
Women’s Murder Club: I just can’t like this series based on James Patterson’s best-selling novels. Why? Because a detective, a district attorney and a medical examiner are NEVER going to work with a newspaper reporter to solve murders on a regular basis. Pass on tips? Yes. Leak information that could lead to breaks in the case? Sure. Form a detective agency? Not so much. Plus star Angie Harmon kind of scares me.
Comedies
Carpoolers: Four guys commute and commiserate. That’s it. The description is unclear about whether the series is set solely in the car during the daily drives to work. If so, I guess the show has at least one thing going for it -- they only need one set. Which will make it that much easier to break down production once Carpoolers gets canceled. And that’s totally going to happen.
Cavemen: If I were the guys at Geico, I would be laughing hysterically all the way to the bank that someone actually thought those admittedly amusing cavemen commercials would make a good series. Memo to ABC: the commercials are funny because they’re only 30 seconds long. How are you going to sustain the humor for 30 minutes a week for 22 weeks?
Miss/Guided: Remember Never Been Kissed, that Drew Barrymore movie where she plays a former high school nerd who returns to the classroom while working undercover (!) to write a newspaper story? Well that’s Miss/Guided, except that Rebecca Freely is back as a legitimate employee, in this case the guidance counselor. The way I see it, Miss/Guided's chances at success are completely dependent on the writing and the talents of star Judy Greer because they are the only things that can separate the show from an unoriginal premise.
Sam I Am: Sam was a bitch. Then she got amnesia and decided to be good. That’s it. Sorry, not interested.
ABC also unveiled one “alternative series” or “what we’re going to put on after Cavemen gets canceled.” Oprah’s Big Give finds the omnipotent O giving away millions and challenging contestants to make a difference in the lives of others. It’s hard to knock the combination of Oprah and altruism, although there is only so much sappiness a person can take.
