Be Calm. Look Cute

I watched this week's Top 12 show with a TON of trepidation. I love the Beatles and watching a Lennon/McCartney song get eviscerated by a vacuous American Idol just kills me.

Ryan bathed the show in Cheese Whiz from the beginning as he marveled at the "new and improved" Big Stage. I really couldn't tell the difference from last year's Big Stage. Except for the mosh pit -- here's hoping some crazy teenage girl jumps on-stage to throw herself at David A. That's the only way I would find the Boy Wonder entertaining.

That's right, also new this week are my great feelings of white-hot hate for young David. I know that disliking him is tantamount to hating puppies and sunshine (two things I enjoy, by the way) but I just can't help it. David is a fine singer, but the promise of weekly tongue baths by the judges tires me. And despite his voice, he just doesn't have much of a personality. Actually strike that; it seems like he doesn't have much of a personality on purpose, like somebody decided it was best that he just be this perfect, wholesome, goody-goody.

Newsflash America: that kid only exists in the movies or in the homes of scary stage parents.

Speaking of fake, this week's show started with Syesha performing "Got to Get You Into My Life," aka Paul McCartney's ode to pot (Really!).  She chose the song to show her "personality." Unfortunately for Syesha, all she has to offer is a voice. My favorite part of the performance was the horn section's contribution.

Syesha probably wouldn't believe me, but a slower, more melodious song would have been a better choice. She was too busy keeping up and the song just seemed like an afterthought.

Chikeze's song, "She's a Woman," was in fact an afterthought. I took a History of the Beatles class in college (Really!)  and my professor said Lennon and McCartney had to write it to fill out the B-side of "I Feel Fine." Hence, the deep, penetrating lyrics like "My love don't give me presents/I know that she's no peasant." I like the song, however, because I always imagine Lennon and McCartney high at 2 a.m. and giggling on the couch while they came up with it.

I was a little frightened when I heard the opening strains of the banjo, thinking what is this "Hee-Haw Idol?" Then Chikeze started rocking out and I was just confused; it kind of sounded like Aerosmith. But the performance was awesome -- if I come to find that Chikeze came up with the arrangement I promise never to call him "Jacuzzi" again.

Meanwhile, Ryan, with all his jumping around and head-butting, is just way too excited about being on the Big Stage. Or maybe he borrowed some drugs from Paula.

Ramiele ... pours soy sauce all day long at work. It sounds like her multi-instrumentalist sister should be on the show! The camera guy must have it in for Ramiele because the opening overhead camera angle made her look even shorter and seemed to point up her nose. Her version of "In My Life" was dedicated to contestants who have already left the show. The performance was so overwrought you'd think axed performers get thrown to the lions or shot at dawn rather than sent home to their mommies.

And now it's time for cute Jason. I suspect that cute Jason really feels what the Beatles are talking about in some of these songs -- and I'm not referring to the songs about girls. Cute Jason brought back the guitar this week. His voice is perfectly suited to "If I Fell," so good on cute Jason. But I suspect he's only going to get away with the whole crunchy troubadour Jack Johnson thing for so long. It's time to change it up.

Paula, of course, felt cute Jason feeling the song, or something. Simon agreed with me and, per one of his incomprehensible "that performance was like" comparisons, apparently has some sort of creepy urge to stalk college students in their dorm rooms. Or that's what Ryan would have you believe. Shut up Ryan.

Despite my reservations about Carly and her possible producer plant status, it is fun to listen to her talk. Credit experience or talent, but Carly rather impressively took advantage of the entire Big Stage during her performance of "Come Together." This was the first time when I could actually tell Carly was excited to perform. Her exuberance really sold her rendition of the song. I hated to hear Simon compare her to Kelly, however. Nothing against Kelly, but the "guess who the judges want in the Final Two" posturing is just as annoying with Carly as it is with David A.

David Cook was rocking the dark green nail polish during his interview tape -- but what was up with Simon and Ryan's pillow talk before he started singing? Leave it at home boys. David C. sounded a little off in a few spots of "Eleanor Rigby." But the final chorus was really strong.  He also seemed especially jubilant on the Big Stage. It must be a nice stage -- or they're all borrowing Paula's drugs.

Brooke and David C. established themselves as stealth candidates for the Final Two last week and appropriately performed one right after the other this week. These two aren't polished like David A. and Carly, but they're genuine and that quality is their ace in the hole. Brooke was so adorably emotional, which makes it easier to forgive a few missed notes. Even more adorable was that she can't play piano with shoes on.

Unfortunately Brooke's bare feet led to 30 ridiculous seconds of Simon and Randy insinuating that Ryan wanted to take home her high heels. Guys? I wouldn't be surprised if that were true; the man has a fauxhawk after all. But shut up anyway.

David Number 2, David Hernandez, is an idiot. Did Mr. Stripper not notice that most of the other contestants stayed away from the Beatles early catalog, instead opting for the more cutting-edge later stuff? A copycat performance of "I Saw Her Standing There" is cheesy without even trying. In the hands of smarm king David H., it was just painful. Shut up David H. and stop leering at the camera.

Newsflash for Amanda: nobody except Indiana residents, or ex Indiana residents, could find Lafayette (or Mulberry) on the map. If Amanda was going to sing  a John Lennon "stay away from my woman or die" song, I wish she would have picked "Run for Your Life" because I love that song. Amanda had never heard "You Can't Do That" before this week and I bet she's not the only one. If there is such a thing as an obscure Beatles song, that would be it. Amanda still seems very uneasy on stage. I guess she's not feeling the Big Stage yet.

Hey look, there's Taye Diggs! Is he allowed to appear on another network's show?

Hey, did you know that Michael Johns is originally from Australia? It's really nice to hear that Michael, and the other contestants, are Beatles fans. I was worried we would get a bunch of performers being all "Lennon who?" on their interview tapes. This week, Michael finally managed to move his rather bombastic Josh Groban voice out of shouty territory. One critique -- the lyrics to "Across the Universe" go "Jai guru deva om," not "oh."

I guess Simon didn't like Carly as much as I thought, considering he can't even remember her name.

On to someone I wish I could forget, Kristy Lee Cook. The whole "country mouse comes to the Big City" thing is so tired. And shut up, Kristy for "taking a big risk" by turning "Eight Days a Week" into a country song. The judges spent the last four weeks telling Kristy that country is her niche. Therefore, her big risk was not a risk at all. The performance was, however, a big disaster -- even Paula hated her! Kristy really is trying to become "Hee Haw Idol." After surviving Kelly Pickler and Carrie Underwood, I deserve to get rid of Kristy early.

David A. got the pimp spot -- AND HE TOTALLY SCREWED UP! HA!  First off, thank you David A. for legitimizing my hate by being the only contestant (besides maybe Amanda) who isn't familiar with the Beatles. At least he chose "We Can Work It Out" based on hearing Stevie Wonder, rather than picking "'Amazing Grace' by Beyonce" or something.

But then David A. ruined that little bit of street cred by forgetting and flubbing the lyrics -- more than once!  Now I really hope Idol decides to do jazz or swing or standards week because I suspect that David is not a quick study. Yay for Simon for calling his performance "a mess."

Results: I wish I could tell you what happens in the first 58 minutes of the Results show each week, but I just can't force myself to watch. David H. is out, which is appropriate. He was by far the worst of the Top 12. I predict that Syesha or Ramiele go next week.

Another hour and a half of dubious 70s "classics." Is it 80s week yet?

Carly -- Wow Irish Carly works at an Irish bar. Shocker. I wasn't sure what to think about Carly after all the "producer plant" controversy and a decent performance last week. While listening to her sing "Crazy on You" by Heart I came to a conclusion, however. Technically, she's got a very nice voice. But she didn't bring any personality to the stage. Her facial expressions said "bored" and there was nothing pre or post-performance that convinced me she was performing her favorite song. I don't know if she can sell more than 300 copies of an album.

Syesha -- Syesha must never pull out the crying baby impression again. That is some scary stuff. Her "Me and Mrs. Jones" was OK. Kind of boring. I don't think she really connected with the song. Syesha looked smiley and happy but she was singing about adultery. And I hate when the contestants change the song to fit their gender. It always sounds weird. Plus Syesha could have earned some street cred by keeping the lyrics intact.

Brooke -- Is a beauty school dropout -- but she finished high school! Thank goodness; there are impressionable children out there, after all. Apparently the guitar was merely an accessory because Brooke only played for less than half the song. Brooke was much better than she was last week but, like Syesha, she didn't really connect with the lyrics to her song, "You're so Vain." Brooke your boyfriend is vain! That's a bad thing! So stop performing as if it's the talent round of a beauty pageant (even though that's actually a pretty good comparison to American Idol.)

Ramiele -- I would really like Randy to share all these mythic "great songs from the 70s" that we're not hearing. Hula prowess and all, Ramiele gave a very Jasmine Trias performance this week. By that, I mean she wasn't offensively bad, just robotic. It's a very pageant night on American Idol. Ramiele also got very shouty toward the end.

Kristy (or  do we call her Kristy Lee?) -- She looked very Carrie Underwood tonight, perhaps intentionally to prove herself the "wholesome farm girl" of this year's competition. Kristy was better than last week, but she made a mistake letting the back-up vocalists kick-off the song. The sound was very full and round with all of them harmonizing, which made Kristy's solo parts seem kind of limp. The judges clearly want to keep her around, though. You can tell because they're so careful to follow up each criticism with a hyperbolic compliment.

 Amanda -- That hair is so out of control. It's like in a whole separate time zone. She was so, so off during the verse sections of "Carry On Wayward Son." Sure, no one cares about the verses of that song anyway but that also shows what a poor choice Amanda made to sing it.  The performance was particularly painful because I like Amanda and I'd like to see her make it to the Top 12. Meanwhile first "conform or die" comment of the season comes from Randy.Shut up Randy, your "keep it to bluesy rock" is no help in a competition where the contestants are going to be asked to tackle a different genre each week.

Alaina -- I'm feeling Amanda on the "no two different foods may touch!" thing. There is nothing worse than green bean juice in your mashed potatoes. Unlike the rest of the American population, I am not a fan of Grease, the Grease soundtrack or Olivia Newton-John. I think "Hopelessly Devoted to You" is so syrupy and vacuous and Alaina did nothing to change that. She was so much more interesting during the interview segment.

Alexandrea -- I like Alexandrea. I like the sound of her voice. I like that she chose a song she could easily make her own. I even like that she opted to wear an outfit better suited to playing basketball or hanging out at the local mall. She comes across as very genuine. I disagree with the judges. I think she was one of the few contestants tonight who didn't look completely bored and uninspired by their song choice.

Kady --  She may be able to walk and chew gum at the same time, but Kady clearly could not handle walking down stairs and singing the opening verse of "Magic Man." The band and back-up singers completely upstaged and drowned her out. With so many impersonations, Kady is so much better in her interviews. Maybe she should consider at career in stand-up comedy. Speaking of comedy:  Simon has never heard "Magic Man" before? I realize there isn't much dancing or laughter in his life, but I guess classic rock radio is also absent.

Asia'h -- Asia'h is the first of this year's contestants to fall prey to the straightening iron. She was a mess this week. Her outfit was horrible and did horrible things to her figure. "All By Myself" is so overdone on Idol and there were some rough notes. She came through in the end but Asia'h did not live up to "pimp spot" expectations. 

Who will get voted off? I would boot Kristy and Kady, but I fear Amanda is in trouble.

Theme weeks and American Idol have a checkered history. Sometimes they work -- see Elton John and Barry Manilow. And sometimes they don't -- see Gloria Estefan.

I assume the decision to incorporate themes into the Top 24 rounds was intended to force the contestants out of their comfort zones. That's a good thing, I guess, but I always enjoyed seeing which songs each would pick when the sky (or the network song clearance list) was the limit. I think those song choices said a lot more about each potential Idol than any of the vacuous interview segments.

Oh well. At least I get to anticipate an all-80s line-up next week. On to the show:

Michael -- To start off the night, we find out a horrible, shocking secret about Michael. He ... likes ... tennis! Yawn. And he sounded so freaking vain while describing his love of the game. "It's good to take a break when you're in the studio or writing ..." Lets not get ahead of ourselves Michael. On stage, Michael delivered a shouty version of Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way." He hit a few bad notes and his facial expressions indicated that he knew it. Plus what was up with the jerky arm movements? Michael looked like he was dancing while sleepwalking. He's still hot, but I'm beginning to doubt he's got much going on vocally.

Jason -- Jason doesn't like interviews. He doesn't like talking. He just likes "music ... and stuff." He is American Idol's version of a Golden Retriever puppy and he is my new TV boyfriend. But his performance was a pale imitation of last week. Take away the nifty falsetto harmonizing, and the Bee Gees "I Just Want to Be Your Everything" is a pretty bland song. Jason is a cross between Jack Johnson and Gavin DeGraw except less gritty -- which I didn't think was possible. He needs to grow some metaphorical teeth.

Luke -- Luke's a capella group are like poster children for Stuff White People Like. But Luke actually seemed awake this week. He doesn't even close to have it in him to improve upon Queen's version of "Killer Queen," however.  It kind of seemed like the song was singing Luke instead of the other way around. During the critique, Simon dinged him for singing a good song, even though he just got finished complaining that Jason sang a bad song. Just more proof that you just can't win on American Idol.

Robbie -- At this point, I think the only way Robbie could convince Simon or anyone else that he's a rocker would be to set himself on fire on stage -- while eating a bat. I'm sure he thought a reveal of his drag racing habit would add an air of "danger" to his persona. Whatever. Robbie's cover of "Hot-Blooded" was warm-blooded at best. I think Danny is more "rock than Robbie because Danny actually seems authentic. I hope Robbie goes home this week.

Danny -- Hah! Danny is more of a rocker than Robbie -- he used to be in a punk band! The old-man cardigan wasn't doing Danny any favors and neither was his song choice. Per Wikipedia, "Superstar" was actually written in 1969 but became a hit for the Carpenters in 1971 so I guess that makes the song OK for 70s week. Danny's performance was slow and draggy; it reminded me of the sound on a warped record. Like Michael, I'm beginning to wonder what Danny has to offer besides his off-stage personality.

David H. --  David, you might not believe this but I am completely not surprised that you used to be a gymnast. I was surprised at how much I liked you this week, however. "Papa was a Rolling Stone" was a great song choice because it gave you a chance to show how not-"Broadway torch singer" you can be. One caveat -- stop winking and mugging for the audience. We get it, you think you're all that and a bag of pretzels. But you remind me of Zoolander doing "blue steel." Which is a look intended to skewer the vanity of the modeling industry, just in case you were wondering.

Jason -- I wish the judges would stop complaining about how the contestants overlooked all the awesome songs of the 70s despite the fact that we all know these kids have a very limited pool of options to choose from. I'm pretty sure the Clash and the Ramones were not on the list (which is probably a good thing, actually, because I bet Robbie would have tried to sing one of their songs to prove his nonexistent street cred.) Singing the Doobie Brothers was not Jason's biggest mistake this week; he really went wrong by not incorporating his cute kid into this week's interview. Without the cute kid vote to help him, I think Jason is headed home.

Jacuzzi -- Yes, I know his name is Chikeze. After Simon's gaffe last week, however, he'll always be Jacuzzi to me. I believe that Elliott Yamin also covered "I Believe to My Soul" during his American Idol stint. Chikeze was tons better this week. But he almost vanquished all my good will after the performance with his attempt to blame last week's suckitude on Simon. His mom is so going to ground him for rudeness after the competition is over.

David C. -- I wish the camera would have cut to Robbie when Randy called David this season's "real" rocker. I don't know if I would go that far, but he was far better than El Fake-o Robbie. His guitar-playing fit in nicely with the overall aesthetic of the performance. But I hate when the contestants talk back and try to rebuff the judges' criticisms. I know the snippy comments make for good TV but it always comes across like sour grapes.

David A. -- Of course he got the pimp spot.  The girls in the audience went into spasms whenever Ryan mentioned David's name. I don't get the appeal of David. I guess that's a good thing considering he's jailbait. I cringed at the song choice of "Imagine" because I've never heard a non-John Lennon version that didn't sound cloying. But David can definitely sing and he has the whole "Disney Channel-esque" heartthrob thing working for him. Teen girls are going to break all of their nails voting for him and their mothers will probably join in. I think he's the front-runner right now.

For the girls' sake, I hope none of them was planning to sing "Imagine" tomorrow.

Is it OK that my favorite performance of both Top 12 nights is Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley wailing "The Moneymaker" all over ads for Canterbury's Law? I even stopped wondering why Carol Hathaway was stalking bitchily through a courtroom rather than hanging out in Seattle with Doug and the twins.

Some of the Idol women apparently spent the week getting over the flu.  As someone who suffered through this year's evil bug a few weeks ago, I can empathize. It was still annoying, however, to watch the judges arbitrarily employ the "flu excuse" to explain poor performances.

Which brings us to:

Kristy Lee Cook -- No "Amazing Grace" for you tonight Kristy! She was totally dead-eyed and her white bread rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Rescue Me" was mind-numbing. It reminded me of the cheesy covers used as the soundtrack for ads for carpet cleaner. First shut up of the night goes to Randy, Paula and Ryan for trying to convince America that Kristy sucked because of the flu. America? The flu does not make someone into a one-note.

Joanne Borgella -- In her interview, Joanne said she surprised the judges by opting for an understated singing style, rather than being a "belter." She proved the point with her limp performance of "I Say a Little Prayer" by the Queen of Belters, Aretha Franklin. Weak is the first word I would use to describe Joanne's voice and the song called for just the opposite. Clearly the judges don't care if she gets done in by the flu because Joanne got savaged by all three of them.

Alaina Whitaker -- Are there really so few 1960s songs cleared for use on this show that two people had to perform "More Today Than Yesterday?" I'll freely cop to having the song on my iTunes playlist but, in a list of great songs from the 1960s, Spiral Staicase's one-hit wonder wouldn't even crack the Top 50. Alaina was fine, however. She looked cute, she sounded confident and the shots of her family kvelling in the front row were a nice touch. I was very disturbed, however, to catch glimpses of David Hernandez looking positively stalkerish in the background. He was snapping along with a totally creepy scowl on his face. Be careful Alaina -- I think someone wants to steal your soul!

Amanda Overmyer -- The American Idol hair crew is probably having a battle right now over which stylist is making over Amanda's Addams Family hair and which is hacking off Jason Castro's dreads. Amanda definitely has one thing going for her -- she is nothing like any other singer in this competition. I enjoy Janis Joplin, thus I enjoy sound-alike Amanda. But she needs to project her voice more and enunciate. Unlike Simon, I realized she was scatting. But Amanda's mumble-singing made it seem like she forgot the words.

Amy Davis -- Wow there are a ton of contestants from Indiana this year! First Luke, now Amanda and Amy. Go Hoosiers! Unfortunately, two of the three Indiana finalists are going home on Thursday -- Luke and now Amy. Girl can't sing. Her version of "Where the Boys Are" was bad karaoke. Even Ryan seemed resigned to her failure when reading her numbers. Again, no flu excuses for this contestant. I don't care if Amy leaves, but way to show favoritism judges.

Brooke White -- Another day, another version of "Happy Together." She was better than David was last night, but that's not saying much. Randy and Paula dissed Simon for calling Brooke "too clean" but I get what he was saying. She's a nice girl with a nice voice and there's not much more to say. The 1960s theme claims another victim.

Alexandrea Lushington -- Just in case you were wondering about this week's theme, Alexandrea was nice enough to wear an understated bracelet-size peace sign earring. But all is forgiven because she actually has some energy. If someone had told me she was going to sing "Spinning Wheel" by Blood, Sweat and Tears I would have been skeptical. Alexandrea lost it a little at the end of the song, but she pulled off a nice performance for the most part. Extra props for slamming Ryan's mispronunciation of her name.

Kady Malloy -- If Kady and Alaina both go far in this competition it's going to become difficult to tell them apart. Seriously, they could be twins. Kady's dead-on Britney Spears impression (which she pulled out during the auditions) gives her the edge in my opinion. She hit a few rough notes while singing "Groovy Kind of Love" and it sounded like she was trying to ape the adult contemporary 1980s Phil Collins version. And wow, was she ever giving Simon the dealth glare after he compared her to a pencil.

Asia'h Epperson -- Amanda has sworn off the Janis for the duration so I guess Asia'h figured she might as well pick up the slack and perform "Piece of My Heart." She was smart to choose an upbeat song and even smarter to stay away from a pure rock arrangement, which I think would have swallowed her up. I'd like to see more from Asia'h -- and to know why her parents decided to tack on the silent "h" to her name.

Ramiele Malubay --  Like Michael, Jason and Amanda, Ramiele just has stage presence. You want to watch her. I love Dusty Springfield and Ramiele did a good job with "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me." And girl is tiny -- she was wearing heels and still came in about three inches shorter than Ryan who, as we all know, is like three feet tall.

Syesha Mercado -- "Tobacco Road" is such a random song but Syesha made it work. She filled up the stage more than any of the other women. I wish she had changed up the tempo of the song a little more because her voice sounded most interesting during the quieter moments. But way to make a good first impression.

Carly Smithson -- Of course Miss "My Album sold 300 copies" got the pimp spot. I'm really curious to see if America denies her votes because they don't want a "professional" in the Top 12. Props to Idol, however, for actually going there and mentioning the failed album. She sang "Shadow of Your Smile" and it was jazzy and pleasant. I'm not sure if it was the best vocal of the Top 24, which is what Randy said, but she didn't need to whip out flu excuse like Kristy did. Meanwhile, the Randy/Simon debate about mic technique was ridiculous. Simon? America doesn't care how she holds the mic. And Randy? Again, WE GET IT, you work with famous people.

Quote of the night, from Simon in response to Paula's blathering:  "Stop the torture."

The hills are alive with the scent of fame whores.

It must be that time of year again -- the phase of American Idol I like to call "the part I actually enjoy."

I can't abide the audition phase -- too much exploitation of men, women and literal children who don't know they're being made fun of. Hollywood week is better, but only so much filler as we see extended narratives on contestants who might not make it past the end of the episode.

But the top 24 is something I can get behind. At this point, all of the contestants are well aware that they're being pimped for ratings -- in fact, they welcome it. Listening to these singers offers the chance, via morning after iTunes searches for the originals, to discover new music or get reacquainted with songs I forgot I liked.

And then there's America.  Be it in elections or reality show voting, America can always be counted on to screw up entertainingly -- or painfully.

The season had barely gotten started and this edition of AI already had its first controversy. A number of this year's finalists previously had record deals, won television contests and had various credible brushes with fame.

Critics claim these accused "producer plants" were designed to prevent another no-talent (see Sanjaya) from overstaying his welcome in the top 12. They're complaining that the purity of the show, the idea that a total unknown can seek and achieve fame, has been sullied.

I would tend to agree. Problem is, however, I didn't think American Idol was 100 percent pure in the first place.

Thousands of auditions are culled into a top 24 in part through a cattle call process. At the initial auditions (which come before anyone performs for Randy, Simon and Paula) singers come forward in groups and only get several seconds to strut their stuff. No way is AI catching all the good ones.

American Idol is not a Lana Turner getting discovered at a drug store fairytale and no one -- not the fans and definitely not the producers -- should pretend that it is.

It is kind of slimy to have a field full of pseudo-professionals rather than 24 true novices. But American Idol is kind of slimy and I'm not just talking about Ryan Seacrest's hair. You have to take everything on the show -- from the vote counts to the contestants back stories -- with a grain of salt. It's unfortunate, but that's reality TV.

In addition, as American Idol became more popular, the field was bound to get more experienced. Even non viewers know that a singer can become famous, or infamous, by appearing on the show. Knowing that, what savvy back-up singer or ex-member of a failed band wouldn't take the shot and audition?

I agree with the conspiracy theorists on one point -- American Idol should acknowledge the finalists' past brushes with fame. Most everyone's life story is just a Google away, so why keep up the pretense, for example, that Carly Smithson is an unknown from Ireland when she really had a record deal with MCA?

I'd like to know how Carly, or fellow failed record dealer Kristy Lee Cook, felt about striking out on the first try and using American Idol as a route to a second chance -- if that's what really happened. I'm far more interested in that story than any orchestrated drama the show invents.

If these contestants are really legit, rather than producer-planted pawns, American Idol finally has a chance to get real. I'm 98 percent sure that isn't going to happen, however. The best option is to just embrace the drama and the smarm -- and cross your fingers that they're not breaking any laws.

On to the recap:

Top 12 Guys

David Hernandez -- I saw right away why Simon hates this guy. He is way too dramatic and affected. The faux-emotive arm motions and facial twitching are already driving me nuts. David's soulless version of Wilson Pickett's "Midnight Hour" was devoid of the grit that makes the song great. And he wore a shirt held together with safety pins. I'm so over him already. Hopefully America is too.

Chikezie -- Did he have a last name during auditions? Simon calling him "Jacuzzi" was the most awesome thing I saw on TV this week. This episode's theme was songs of the 1960s but Chik's orange suit was without a doubt the most dated thing in the room. Like David, he slowed down his song -- "More Today Than Yesterday" by Spiral Staircase -- for maximum posturing and showing off. Bo-ring and kind of off-key made unbearable by post-performance whining and arguing with Simon. Chikezie, you get my first "shut up" of the night.

David Cook -- What is up with contestants slowing down these songs? Slowing down "Happy Together" by The Turtles does not make it more modern. The slow intro followed by the quick, high energy chorus is so Broadway, which is a bad thing in this competition. Randy claims there was a rock edge to David's version. I didn't see it but I think that's what he was going for. This performance was lackluster at best.

Jason Yeager -- Jason has an adorable son, which is always helpful. Then there's his song choice -- Henry Mancini's "Moon River". Seriously. The arrangement was mundane and he flubbed a few lines. Unless the cute kid and dedication to his grandma can garner him enough sympathy votes, just call Jason Holly Going-Home-ly.

Robbie Carrico -- Or as we'll call him tonight, faux rocker #1. Robbie made the first good song choice of the night -- "One is the Loneliest Number" by Three Dog Night. He sounds like a less gravelly version of Chris Daughtry. Unlike Chris Daughtry, however, he doesn't appear to be an evil, bald robot.

David Archueleta -- Randy earns the second (retroactive) "shut up" of the night for singing along during David's audition rendition of John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change." You work with famous people and you're awesome Randy, WE GET IT. David's version of Smokey Robinson's "Shop Around" showed the one dimensional quality of his voice. I would applaud David for not using any gimmicky vocal gymnastics but I don't think he's capable of them. His tongue-tied, aw-shucks routine after the judges piled on the praise was adorable though.

Danny  Noriega -- Danny reminds me of Christian from Project Runway. I keep waiting for him to talk about how "fierce" he is. So glad he removed the lip ring after getting cut last year. His pants were tight enough to cause a rash and his version of "Jailhouse Rock" was lightweight enough to earn him the title of someone's bitch on the cell block. But he's actually got a personality, which is more than some of these other guys can say. Meanwhile, Simon totally manipulated Paula (who had just finished a nonsensical soliloquy about the "color" of Danny's voice) into criticizing the performance ("People have heard him sing well on a different night.") Hilarious.

Luke Menard -- Another contestant, another nuanced original song reduced to soft rock elevator music -- this time it was "Everybody's Talkin" (aka the theme from Midnight Cowboy) by Harry Nilsson. Luke got the first "pitchy" of the night and Paula compared him to Kenny Loggins (she meant that favorably, but I don't think anyone else would think so.) I predict that Luke is headed back to Indiana.

Colton Berry -- His hair is very yellow. It's kind of scary. And what was up with those bright blue polyester suspender pants? He sang Elvis' "Suspicious Minds" and I agree with Simon -- he didn't sound unique or current. I think all of the guys are having the same problem. They're using the "60s night" theme as an excuse for sounding dated.

Garrett Haley -- Ryan stole my Peter Frampton joke! Darn you Ryan. Aw Garrett's been watching the show since he was 9 or 10. And he auditioned on a lark while on vacation. That is so cute. But Garrett's version of "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" has me convinced that he's a potential Sanjaya/Kevin Covais/John Stevens. He isn't ready for this. Of course, Simon made the same mistake in his critique of Garrett that he made with Sanjaya, Kevin and John -- don't insult the baby-faced, innocent teens Simon! You're asking America to sympathy vote!

Jason Castro -- I wonder how long it's going to be until the American Idol hair crew forces Jason to cut off his dreads. I love this kid. He reminds me of Wiley Wiggins, the actor who played Mitch Kramer in Dazed and Confused. "Daydream" by Lovin' Spoonful was a great song choice and his voice has a nice bluesy tinge. I can't even believe I'm going to say this but I agree with Paula (and Simon too) -- the singing wasn't mind-blowing, but Jason was genuine.

Michael Johns -- I knew Michael would get the show-ending pimp spot, given each week to the contestant given most-favored nation status by the producers. If this guy's a plant, then the producers did a good job in finding him. He's hot, he looks mature and he's got an accent -- it doesn't even matter if he can sing, America is going to vote for him anyway. Case in point: his version of The Doors' "Light My Fire" was on the shouty side, but the judges didn't care one iota. If Michael can avoid drifting into Justin Guarini/Daughtry asshole territory, he's the guy to beat.

Quote of the day, from Ryan: "Colorful, kind of hot, grotesque. That's American Idol."

That's right, fall television is upon us! My DVR is filled to capacity as I attempt to figure out which shows are worth booking a season pass.

So far, the jury is still out. I'm enjoying a couple of new shows, and looking forward to watching others. But nothing has inspired that heated "must watch!" feeling I got when getting into, say Friday Night Lights or The West Wing for the first time.

But here's a quick look at my initial likes and dislikes:

Likes
Chuck: Chuck accidentally downloaded national secrets into his brain and now he gets to hang out with a hot girl and Adam Baldwin all day long. It's a nerd's dream come true! Zachary Levi is adorable as the title character and I love all the Clerks-esque moments at "BuyMore," the thinly-disguised Best Buy clone that is Chuck's place of employment. Plus the fact that the creators have turned Chuck's Geek Squad -- excuse, me Nerd Herd -- vehicle into a car-chasing, bomb-holding Spymobile, is such a hoot. Every time I see that car squealing around a tight corner, I crack up.

Gossip Girl: I know enjoying this show earns me membership in the Shallow Club but I can't help it. Gossip Girl will never be a nuanced or thoughtful, there will never be subtext or complicated plots that nod to the viewer's intelligence. But that doesn't mean the show isn't a lot of fun. Plus unlike The Hills -- the other example of melodramatic, train-wreck rich kids on television right now -- Gossip Girl is fake. So you can watch underage Serena swill vodka martinis and pretend that doesn't happen in real life.

Dirty Sexy Money: It's a good thing the writers gave lawyer Nick George a good reason -- investigating his possibly murdered dad's death -- to work for the Darlings. Because these rich folks are even more cracked than the people on Gossip Girl. But Peter Krause is great as the put-upon Nick and the pilot has everything you could want in a nighttime soap -- cross-dressers, helicopter crashes, disastrous family parties, a Baldwin brother. Let's start placing bets right now on how long it takes Nick's  wife to leave him thanks to all the Darling family drama.

In the arena of returning shows, I'm happy to say that the Grey's Anatomy's premiere was not bad. In fact, if I pretend all scenes involving Izzie alone and George and Izzie together didn't happen, the premiere was really good. Seriously, though, what is up with making Izzie such an evil hag? When she was smirking about everyone hating new boss Callie, I wanted to smack the look right off her face.

Also, Friday Night Lights isn't back until Friday but I watched the premiere early online. Just in case all two of my readers haven't seen it, I won't give anything away. But like most others who previewed the episode, I'm crossing my fingers that the explosive Event That Must Not Be Named doesn't destroy the subtle realism the show has obviously worked so hard to achieve.

Now for some dislikes:

Moonlight: What a mess. Ridiculously named vampire PI Mick St. John runs around solving crimes and spouting platitudes about vampire-hood that would seem clunky to a 10-year-old. Plus he does that really annoying thing where characters who are entering a flashback look off into space for no good reason. I only recorded this garbage to catch Veronica Mars' Jason Dohring. He was fine but someone needs to find him a new job.

Private Practice: An incredible bore. When does Addison get to move back to Seattle?

That's all for now. I still need to check out Reaper and Pushing Daisies starts Wednesday, so stay tuned!

The cooking competition aspect of Top Chef produces the strange urge to get creative with scallops or saffron in even the most ardent lover of take-out.

Even more fascinating, however, is watching the group of cooks interact.

Social dynamics are the most interesting part of any reality show. But Bravo gave Project Runway and all of its spawn, including Top Chef, an infusion of innovation by showcasing that interaction among professionals who are (mostly) rising stars in their fields.

Setting the action in a workplace environment ups the ante -- no one wants to be proved incompetent in the place where they typically feel most confident. The formula also limits the trashiness factor among the contestants -- almost.

Much ado has been made of the degenerative behavior and attitude exhibited during Season Two of Top Chef. Led by the eventual winner, weasly social climber Ilan, “Team Cool” took out their frustrations on the annoying but harmless Marcel, culminating in a truly uncomfortable scene in which the elfin-haired cook was wrestled to the ground in an attempt to shave his head. After that, there was really no need to watch the rest of the season -- everyone was so unlikable that it didn’t really matter who won.

Season One also had its share of back-biting. Witness “top sommelier” Stephen’s cruel  dressing down of clueless culinary student/model Candice or designated baddie Tiffani’s pursuit of the title at the expense of the amity of her peers. But those battles never overshadowed the competition as a whole.

The cast of Season Three appear to have learned a thing or two from the contestants of seasons past. So far, the most unique thing about this crop of cooks is that they’re so gosh darn nice.

Hugging occurs multiple times an episode. The contestants applaud for each cook sent packing.  Micah was grating, but an unsuccessful attempt to update meatloaf  got her ejected before she became the object of widespread dislike. Big lugs Howie and Joey were ready to kill each other one week, but became best friends the next. Everyone is a little scared of egotistical Hung in the kitchen, but they’re quick to say he’s a nice guy otherwise.

There’s still drama, but the angst isn‘t crowding out everything else like it did during Season Two. The contestants stress about deadlines. They complain about randomly assigned cooking partners and sweat about having to cook the most dreaded of Top Chef  food courses, dessert. But the only guy to  really draw great gobs of vitriol from this group was rubber-faced guest judge Rocco DiSpirito, who got labeled several bleep-able words when he showed up to shill for Bertoli frozen pasta.

Hopefully, the atmosphere will get just a little more tense as the dwindling number of cooks get closer to making the finals. Most of the contestants are taking breaks from fancy schmancy restaurant jobs that they clearly didn’t get by fading into the woodwork. To keep the show interesting, Top Chef needs the group to exhibit more of that competitive spirit.

But the group needs to keep out of Lord of the Flies territory. Right now, Top Chef  has one quality missing from every other reality show clogging the airwaves this summer -- maturity.

I have a friend who never listens to the radio. She doesn't have a car and owns an iPod so "only listens to what (she) want(s) to hear."

Sounds nice doesn't it? No annoying commercials, no static, no learning to hate songs you once loved because the DJ plays them five times an hour.

In a way, though, it also sounds awful. Don't get me wrong; I like listening to what I want to hear. But I also like hearing music I didn't know I wanted to hear.

There's nothing better than discovering a piece of music that speaks to you, a melody and some lyrics that sound like they were written to play at the exact moment you needed to hear them.

Granted, not a lot of those songs are easily uncovered on the FM dial these days. But there are a few stations out there with a staff dedicated to putting diverse and unique playlists on the air.

That's why I love Internet radio. A few clicks of the mouse and you can access the best stations in the country and world, whether they're based in big cities, small towns or online only.

The Smiths, The Cure, Corinne Bailey Rae, Amos Lee, Au Revoir Simone, The Fratellis, White Rabbits, Elliott Smith, Gnarls Barkley -- those are just a few of the artists or bands I heard for the first time, or learned to love, thanks to Internet feeds from radio stations like WXPN in Philadelphia, WXRT in Chicago, KEXP in Seattle, KCRW in Santa Monica, Calif., WTTS in Bloomington, Ind. and Virgin Radio in The UK. Friends and acquaintances also listen to these stations and Internet radio services like Pandora and Live365.

All of those opportunities to hear new music may soon be a thing of the past. A royalty-fee increase many broadcasters say could drive them off the Web or out of business is on its way.

To raise awareness, and draw attention to bills in the House and Senate that would lower Web broadcasters' rates to the rates satellite radio stations pay, several of the stations I mentioned above will be silent today.

In addition to a Day of Silence to protest the royalty rate increases set to go into effect around July 15, some stations are also asking listeners to sign petitions in support of the proposed Internet Radio Equality Act.

Signing the petition (and even enduring the sound of silence for 24 hours) is a must. I love my iPod, but I don't want my current playlists to be the only music I ever hear. The more outlets for new artists, the more opportunities exist to get good music to the masses. A certain song or band is out there somewhere, waiting for me to discover him/her/them/it and to gain a spot in the daily soundtrack of millions of others.

Internet radio helps make that happen.

For more information, click here

Finally, we hit the home stretch. Fox and the CW made their upfront presentations on Thursday, bringing the week of reckoning to a close. Now television viewers wait with bated breath for August, when they find out which of these highly touted new shows are worth watching and which will get canceled after a week.

I already vented about the CW crushing my dreams of a fourth season of Veronica Mars so I’ll stick to commenting on the new shows.

OK I lied. I’m only going to comment on some of the new shows. And I’m going to vent about Veronica Mars again.

The CW gave the green light to a mother/daughter beauty pageant, a Bachelor rip-off that proposes to find a “city girl” for a “hard-working farmer,” an Extra rip-off that reports on everything that’s “hot, hip and happening” in the world of young adults and some random Internet clip show. I can barely stand to read the descriptions of these series, the fact that they got picked up and Veronica didn’t disgusts me and actually watching them sounds like a fate worse than Friday Night Smackdown.

So I give. It’s been a long week.

Luckily, the CW is putting some actual programming on the air, so let’s focus on that shall we?

Aliens in America: Mom and Dad try to up nerdy son’s popularity quotient by hosting an exchange student, whom they expect to be an athletic, Nordic blond. Instead, the Tolchuk family hosts Raja, a 16-year-old Pakistani Muslim. Raja quickly befriends Seth Cohen er, Justin but something tells me the alliance does not result in the kid being elected Homecoming King. The premise actually sounds really interesting, providing the show actually tries to stay real rather than milking laughs from crash cultural stereotypes.

Gossip Girl: Another new fall show that comes to us from Josh Schwartz, the mind behind The O.C. And Gossip Girl (which is based on the popular book series) sounds a lot like "The O.C. moves to Manhattan" as we delve into the spoiled, rich and gossipy world of teens on the Upper East Side. I realize only those under 15 should be excited about Gossip Girl, but really it’s the only thing I find remotely interesting about the CW next fall. I’m hoping for a show with a half-dozen adolescent Julie Coopers running around, evil in an awesome way, yet also human. Plus Kristin Bell is the narrator, so Schwartz already did something right.

Life is Wild: The head of a blended family moves his band of moppets to a lodge in South Africa, where his first wife grew up. Basically, 7th Heaven minus the “religion” plus an exotic setting. The premise just oozes wholesome and sounds more like a Saturday morning kids' offering than prime time TV -- in fact, I could have sworn this premise already was a Saturday morning kids show. Let’s start taking bets on which series lasts longer, Life is Wild or this year’s quickly canceled Runaway.

Reaper: A 20-year-old slacker finds out that his parents sold his soul to the devil. In a shocking twist, the devil is the one to set the kid straight, putting faux Damien to work collecting escapees from Down Under (and we’re not talking Australia.) Stars Bret Harrison, who played “funny guy” Danny for one episode on The O.C. (Harrison also plays in a band with Adam Brody.) I’m interested to see how much they play this for laughs and how much for drama and science fiction blood and gore.

That’s if for the CW. Now on to Fox. American Idol viewers already got a clue about what Fox is up to next season thanks to a commercial during this week’s results show soliciting audition tapes from groups who want to sell out -- excuse me, become the next “great American band.”

Fox has also got a couple of other new reality shows. There’s Kitchen Nightmares, in which demon spawn chef Gordon Ramsay hits the road to harass (and, theoretically, help) a different slumping restaurant each week, and Nashville, a bid to bring “unscripted” docu-soaps to network TV -- brought to you by the minds behind MTV’s cheesy, yet highly addictive Laguna Beach!

Here’s what else Fox has cooking, as the network attempts to find a way other than American Idol to get the masses to watch:

K-Ville: Two cops seek out the most wanted criminals with limited resources in the barely controlled chaos of post-Katrina New Orleans. I really enjoy cop shows but I need an interesting hook to entice me to do more than employ the half-listening skills needed to get through a Law and Order rerun. That’s why I enjoy the irreverent Bones so much, and why I’ll at least give this show a try.

New Amsterdam: Ditto this series from director Lasse Hallstrom about a New York homicide detective who has been knocking around since 1642. Here’s the deal: John Amsterdam saved the life of a Native American girl, who cast a spell that makes him immortal -- until he finds his one true love. So yes, kind of an Angel rip-off without the whole “lose his soul” thing, but what can I say? I’m a sucker for a brilliant man in plainclothes harboring a dark secret.

Back to You: This season, Fox debuted Til Death, an otherwise pedestrian marriage comedy except for the fact that it starred Brad “coasting on my Everybody Loves Raymond fame” Garrett. So forgive me for being a little skeptical of Back to You, a comedy starring Kelsey “coasting on my Cheers and Fraiser fame” Grammer and Patricia “also coasting on my Everybody Loves Raymond fame” Heaton. Grammer and Heaton play television anchors who are a dream team on the air and a nightmare off the air. Frasier (Chuck Darling on this show, but how much do you want to be that you won’t be able to tell the difference?) jumped ship years ago but now he’s back thanks to an embarrassing gaffe that turned up on the Internet. Will this prime time super couple be able to make it work in real and “reel“ life? I have my doubts.

Canterbury’s Law: A rip-off hybrid of TNT’s The Closer and Fox’s own House set in a law firm and starring ER’s Julianna Margulies, who has apparently come to terms with the fact that her movie career is never getting off the ground. Margulies plays a “force of nature” lawyer (that’s The Closer part) who presides over a “motley crew” of attorneys (that’s the House part.) Ben Shenkman (HBO's Angels in America) costars as the married Julianna’s “voice of reason” legal partner. They’re so going to have an affair -- can‘t wait!

The Sarah Connor Chronicles: I’ve never seen a Terminator movie. Therefore, I can’t get excited about this spin-off about movie heroine Sarah and her son John, even if the show does co-star Summer Glau (River from Firefly!) But all of you Aahnold fans prepare to rejoice, even if the Governator doesn’t cameo.

The Return of Jezebel James: Thanks to a behind-the-scenes feud, we never go to see an Amy Sherman Palladino-scripted Gilmore Girls finale. Sherman Palladino tries to make amends with a new series, about two sisters, who happen to be total opposites, living together while one carries the others baby. The show stars indie queen Parker Posey, Six Feet Under’s delightfully wry Lauren Ambrose and Scott “Max Medina” Cohen. Plus I bet Amy can convince Lauren Graham to cameo. Please don’t suck Return of Jezebel James!

The Rules for Starting Over: A bunch of newly single 30-somethings start over. But the show is from the Farrelly brothers, so there must be projectile vomit involved somewhere.

This summer Fox is premiering Anchorwoman, a new reality series, about a model and ex-WWE wrestler being hired to become a news reporter at a tiny television station in Texas. Think Jessica Simpson goes to work at The New York Times. That sounds scary enough to convince me to spend the summer outdoors rather than inside in front of the television.

See you next fall, networks!

Dear Dawn Ostroff,

What did I do to deserve this? First you cancel Everwood, depriving me of my weekly Treat Williams fix in favor of another season of those hypocritical Camdens. Now you cancel Veronica Mars and, to add insult to injury, do so at an upfront presentation that includes a performance by those inexplicable ratings draws the Pussycat Dolls.

Plus you just couldn't say what's done is done. Rumors were flying that V would skyrocket to adulthood and come back next season as an FBI agent, most likely sans all of her supporting cast. Instead of putting those tales to rest you told media outlets that there was still a slim chance that something could be worked out with series creator Rob Thomas and star Kristen Bell, a conversation Thomas said hasn't actually happened yet (and probably never will.) Just tell the truth Dawn, although I assume the only reason you even threw out the spin-off tidbit was to deflect inevitable backlash if (or when) your new fall shows tank critically and in the ratings.

Although I'm upset with you now, I guess I should thank you for keeping Veronica around at least two and a half seasons longer than most us expected. But I think I'll save my thanks for the cast, crew and production team.
Veronica Mars was really something special -- the plots and characters were dark and twisty, but also funny, happy and human. The characters were complex to the point where I hated the villainous Aaron Echolls but I loved the cheesy, demented goodness at the center of his cold, cold heart. While I think Veronica is one of the best examples of a young female role model on television, she is also deeply flawed at the core.

Characters who had one line one week, came back months later at the center of a mystery. Veronica and her friends  ordered pizza from the same place each episode, always shopped at the Sack n' Pack and didn't change addresses or back-stories at the drop of a hat. Veronica didn't explain to the audience that her backpack was extra-heavy one episode because she was trying to protect contraband from random locker searches -- the writers knew we could put two-and-two together and figure it out on our own.

The final two seasons didn't quite live up to the first, when Lilly Kane's murder hit every character where it hurt and each week was a roller coaster of red herrings and shocking twists. But a below-par Veronica Mars was still miles better than the best episodes of lesser shows like One Tree Hill, which remains on the CW's schedule.

I can't believe next week is the last time I'll see Veronica, Wallace, Logan, Keith and beloved supporting characters like Cliff, Sacks and Vinnie Van Lowe. It's even harder to think that, if most media reports and the network's own previews are to be believed, that Veronica will leave us on a cliffhanger, most likely an upsetting one. I like my endings happy. Then again, Rob Thomas told us all along to expect noir, and what better way to exit than out the metaphorical back door into the dark, stormy night?

Sorry Dawn, I seem to have gotten off the subject. I know you won't bring Veronica Mars back -- it's too late for that -- but I do have a request: don't stop taking chances on little shows that could. I know it seems like all television viewers want are cheesy game shows and C-list celebrities making fools of themselves, but that's just not the case. Some of us still love a good, complicated story and television is one of the places we look to find it.

Don't be a stranger,

--Rachel

P.S. By the way, could you please promise me that Gossip Girls isn't going to suck?

P.P.S To my (likely one) reader: I plan to rehash the non-Veronica Mars related details of Thursday's upfronts tomorrow. Stay tuned for more Pussycat Doll-related insults!